Why my horoscope is stupid: Gemini An electrifying attraction to someone you may have just met could cause your mind to dwell on sex and romance today, Gemini. (okay okay, I'm an 18 year old girl, when do our minds NOT dwell on sex and romance?) If you can, set up a romantic evening with a love partner. (BAHAHAHHAHA...no. very funny T_T) If this isn't possible, go to an emotional play or movie that moves you to tears. (fine, I'll go see men in black III. gets me every time.) Movies may be of particular interest to you today, since you might be reading about how they're made (No actually I'm not, but thanks for the suggestion??) So yeah, feel free to comment if you'd like me to tell you why yours is stupid beyond measure. and a gif: gif gif gif gif gifs moving all around yeah look at this gif:
Okay so I'm making my 2013 New Years Resolutions early, so I can get a head start, why wait until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today? A big thing I want to focus on is not focusing on shedding pounds, but feeling healthy, being full of energy, and reflecting that on the outside. Also, my new goal is to run a half marathon. Yep. Being dumped on my ass made me stress eat and then I just hated myself even more. People who secretly hate themselves are the ones who eat garbage. YOUR BODY IS NOT A GARBAGE CAN. However, after my friend Rachel and I made a bet, I went one month without eating sweets with the exception of Halloween and I FELT awesome. So, if I can not eat sweets, you can to. I am an emotional eater, but I'm committed to changing my body and mind. My New Years Resolutions: Complete a half marathon (13.1 Miles, as of now, I can't even run one. So don't feel like I'm one of those crazy fitness girls who can already run like 8. I'm starting at the beginning, just like most of you) Be able to do 50 Consecutive Push Ups Be able to do a full split (Flexibility is important too!) Stop Consistently Eating Junk Food (for at LEAST two months at a time) Stop Making Excuses Make Every Day Count -- Make an effort to do something every day to make that day worth living I want to be able to do this for ME. Because I am worth it, even if some people have made me feel like I'm not. PUSH HARDER EVERY DAY! Stay Classy, Let's Get Fit! J.Ellen P.S. Okay, serious part over, here are some mildly offensive and funny things:
Hey girl, I just got off my mission, and I'm looking for a new companion ;)
Shoot. I forgot to bless my doughnut.
"Please bless this doughnut that it will nourish and strengthen my body"
Darnit
Dangit
Holy Crap
Holy Frick
Holy Shiz
Jimmmeeerrrrr
I had a revelation, we are supposed to get married (Well I had a revelation, and it wasn't you)
Should I talk to the bishop about that NCMO? (For those of you not at BYU, pronounced "Nick-Moe" and means Non-commital Make-out)
See here's the thing, this is sh** I've actually heard at BYU. Weirdest culture. EVER. Anyway, enjoy this awkward penguin as a mormon:
It's true. We're the only school well you always have to check someone's f**ing finger to see if someone's married before pursuing... most of the time... they are.
#Single at the college with the most engagements/marriage
So, it was a sweet-less month, full of healthier eating and going to the gym 2-4 times a week. I don't look that much different, but I really do FEEL different. I have a lot more energy, my bum and hamstrings are WAY HARDER than they used to be, I lost 1/2 inch off my waste, and I JUST started getting calf lines! I LOVE SWEETS AND THINGS OF DELICIOUSNESS, more than anyone I've ever met. I like delicious things. I like cookies. I like cakes. I like brownies. I like fudge. But (with the exception of halloween haha) when I DON'T eat these things, I HONESTLY feel SO much better! I made a bet with Rachel that if I ate any sweet, I had to pay her five dollars per sweet up to 20$ and then I had to give her my favorite sweatpants, and then pay her $6 for every sweet after that. HUGE INCENTIVE TO NOT EAT SWEETS! Thanks Rachel! So anyway, I promised pictures of before and after not eating sweets for a month. It's nothing like JENNY CRAIG DRASTIC WEIGHT WATCHERS BUY THIS PRODUCT F*** YEAH, but I think there IS an improvement! While the bet is off, I am going to continue. I'm going to try to eat EVEN healthier and work even harder, and I'll post pictures right before I go back to Maine, let's try to do this together! I promise to eat less sweets than I did before (but I AM going to eat SOME now that I don't have to pay Rachel for them haha, but MODERATION is key! :) ) and work out more than I did before.
Stay Classy!
J.Ellen
THE BEFORES AND AFTERS: Yes, I'm a poochin' that lil' stomach out. mmmhmm. I'm also intentionally looking sad... Sad Yeni is Sad. BUT.... :D WEEEEE Another month! I am impressed with the changes, although not drastic and I'm going to try to continue for another month! WE CAN DO THIS! Please note: This skirt used to be SUPER tight, and it still is, but it bunches and has space all around, so while it is less bun-flattering than it was, it shows progress! WEE!
So here are the front shot comparisons:
And the sides: This is the one I was impressed with!
You know you go to a mormon school when your roommate has a Romney poster above her bed... whoopsies ;)
As the queen of single and bitter, I came up with a rather humorous list of things you can do with a boyfriend (aka, why it's good I don't have one anymore... yeah)
1.) Sacrifice him to Satan and use his skull as a cereal bowl
2.) Hang him by his toes and tattoo kittens on his face
3.) Sell one of his kidneys (he only needs one) and buy yourself really nice expensive things with the profits (Like, cat towers and copious amounts of hamsters)
4.) Leave him in an abandoned building in a neighboring city with a backwards map and video tape him stealthily while he walks around in confusion. Give him a cell phone and prank call him wearing a Darth Vader voice changer.
5.) Castrate him so that he can't reproduce, you are not only helping the environment, but you are also doing the world a favor by not allowing him to create offspring with the lovely women he's probably sleeping with. (Including you? mmmi don't know, no judgment)
6.) Tie him to a chair using toothpicks to keep his eyes open and play Hannah Montana re-runs and Nickelback
7.) Dress him up as a woman and sell him as a mail order bride. Not only are you creating an awesome prank for someone in the world, but you're also getting rid of him and creating an awesome photo opportunity
8.) Make him sit while you undress IN the shower and shower WITHOUT him and have him pass you things... like Tampons! It'll be a great bonding experience and he'll get to learn all about females. Plus, he doesn't want to be naked in the shower with you. Ew. Nope.
9.) Strap him to the couch and have him face away from the TV while you play his video games for him and save all your games over his games. He'll love the challenge and the not being able to see. You can also smash all of his gaming consoles while he writhes in pain because he can't even see them to say good-bye.
10.) Take all his clothes and light them on fire. Then use his body to keep the fire burning.
11.) Hunger Games anyone? We all want to be the sexy, talented Katniss, so why not use your boyfriend as target practice? Let's face it... you're not a good archer, so you'll miss anyway and won't kill him ... minor bleeding never killed anyone...
12.) Want to know what's on his mind? Conduct an at home lobotomy!
13.) Sell his friends to the slave trade.
14.) Sell his personal items to the slave trade.
15.) Sell him to the slave trade.
16.) Do this because it looks fun:
17.) Dump him and buy some cats. This is going to happen anyway, so might as well beat him to the punch and get your life going on its natural course to crazy catdom.
Morgan Spencer, your blog is fantastic. I just need it in my life. *This is how I feel about reading it.
(Where else would I be able to find a gif of Steve Carell riding a bear?)
*How I feel about eating carbohydrates (muffins, bread, cake, etc)
*How I feel about completing a checklist (yes, even one of them where I put extra things that are super easy to do so I can have to satisfaction of crossing something off)
Ultimate happiness: Chris Evans walking into my history class, sweeping me up in his arms, and taking me to his house. Where we do anything. Anything. just .... anything. We could watch the simpsons and drink horrible things and that'd be fine. We could play on giant trampolines and that'd be fine. He could let me sit there at him shirtless, that would be fine too. Anything. Literally, anything.
The sad life of a college student at a mormon school with no friends, enjoy. There's a kitten in my bed, (I wish) There are equations in my head homework all over the room Pink highlighters seal my doom I smell like dorm room showers Roommate's passed out for the last hour All I want is barbeque Hit a wall, got a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online Wasn't there Oh well I'm a shut-in child But at least my skin is fair ...Damn. Last Friday night Yeah I danced in fuzzy socks And took too many milk shots Think I slept but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah I maxed my meal-plan card Ran into a concrete bar Made some cookies that were hard Last Friday night May have tasted some tree bark Fantasized about Tony Stark & Chris Evans; menage a trois? Last Friday night Failed a test on judicial law Always say we're gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again! So yeah.
So yeah, I really haven't had the faintest idea of what to write about recently. So here's a list of things I'd rather do than my homework
blog, jump up and down for no reason, shave my legs (that says something), read about exercises I'll probably never do, plan menus I'll never use, go to the vending machine and stare at all the things I want to eat, look up random immigrants, look up random mythologies from various sources, hide my greek yogurts, reorganize my greek yogurts, eat my greek yogurts, sort my greek yogurts by flavor, eat an apple and simultaneously think about eating cake, draw pictures of Marilyn Monroe that look like drag queens, look up pictures of cats, memebase, silently judge people on facebook, and wish that I could be a boy for one day so I could pee my name into a bank of snow. Yep. That's about it :)
Also, ladies and gents but I don't actually know any gents that would read this blog, so ladies: We have ONE week left of exercising and eating healthy! We've got this! Ugh, then I have to post pictures. I dono'tr eally look any different, sorry, but I DO feel better because I'm filling my body with healthy foods instead of crap. Wee.
*Attend an Andre Rieu/Mirusia concert. Don't know who these people are? Shame on you. Youtube.
*Go streaking (should probably do this before I get old and wrinkly and saggy... although... then people will excuse it as me being crazy and old... decisions)
*Skydiving -- duh.
*Visit Egypt, France, Ireland, Italy, China, Kenya, South Africa, Peru, Guatemala, Alaska, New Orleans, India etc.
*Pee my name into a bank of snow... I guess I'd have to be a dude for that one... dammit.
* I'll come up with more later, for now, enjoy these cat pictures, which I got from this funny JennaMarbles video which explains how I feel about like... financial aid applications, college applications, transfer applications (stay tuned!) and other funny stuff like... shaving my armpits. Takes so long... lol sadface. (I never say LOL by the way, watch the video.)
World's dumbest font. Sometimes my blog randomly changes to comic sans. Please not that it is not me doing this. It is a glitch
Stay Comic Sansless,
J.Ellen
Okay so this is the third time I've mentioned this sensitive topic, but it's in the elections tomorrow from Maine where I'm from so I wanted to talk about it a bit once more.
1. Gay Marriage is kind of a stupid term. You don't say "I got interacially married last friday" uhm no.
2. Allowing LGBTQ peoples to marry DOES NOT EQUAL GETTING MARRIED TO ANIMALS. Dog = may have feelings, but does not rationalize and make decisions about life, love, marriage, and law. Okay? Human does not equal dog. Morons.
3. OH MY GOSH. IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU. "I don't want to see gays making out in front of me and my kids!" I personally don't want to see ANYONE making out. The end. Bitter and Single. Don't curr.
4. "It's not traditional!" and uhm. Selling your daughter for three goats is "traditional" that doesn't mean you should do it in today's society.
5. If you cannot tell a gay person TO THEIR FACE that they literally don't deserve any of the rights that you enjoy, than you don't really have anything to say.
I have yet to hear a mildly intelligent argument on the matter. Humor me.
Stay Classy, Fight rapists and murderders, not people truly in love,
I just bought myself a can of whipped cream for myself to eat on Nov. 18th when I can eat a sweet or two. I really just wanted to eat a whole can of whipped cream. And I will. yeah... whoops.
Somethings that happened in my dorm all at the same
*The hammer dance simultaneous with the Space Jame song that I know all the words to and was singing
*My roommate running to the broom with her pants hanging off her a**
*800 crunches. F*** yeah.
*covering our faces with toothpaste because yeah. We have acne. F*** being a teenage girl. This sh** sucks. then blow drying our faces so toothpaste doesn't get on pillows and nastify the effing dorm room.
*stalking attractive males
* velociraptor walking/bird calls
*creepily chanting "I don't know..." over and over and over...
*Redeciding I was an ugly crier. You know those nasty little girls who look like THIS when they cry:
Yeah. Eff you.
This is what I look like (enjoying my make-up hair, and wardrobe choice? yeah. sexy muthu&$%^*$&) So yeah....
Beauty in its purest form.
So here's what I'm saying, I needed to act a little crazy this evening. And I did. And I liked it.
Obama: stop attacking Romney because he won't show more than two years of his taxes, you refused to show your birth certificate. Romney, stop attacking Obama because he didn't show his birth certificate, you wouldn't show more than two years of taxes. The End.
Okay so not only is she super hot and inspirational for working out, but she's also glaring into your soul and threatening to destroy you Black Widow style if you f*** up. Yeah. This is now my background. Call me a lesbo, don't care, my inspiration kicks a**. Today is Halloween, so I've been a little naughty, eating a candy bar and such, BUT. I'm allowed to, as are you. But after today, we shall FIGHT FOR THE BOD OF MY WOMAN SCAR JO. We've got this. Happy Halloween everybody!
1.) I consistently don't capitalize my I's and always forget apostrophes. I am quite a grammar Nazi, so this is a big, "I don't really want to talk to you so I'm going to be completely lazy whilst talking to you."
2.) I am not sarcastic around you. It's a symbol of my endearment. If I am not sarcastic around you, I probably don't like you enough to indulge you in my quality, dry humor.
3.) If you don't like, or at least appreciate horses, I probably don't like you.
4.) If you think wearing fur is okay, I probably don't like you.
5.) One letter answers. HUGE symbol: I definitely don't like you and don't want to talk to you.
6.) If you are discriminatory, (race, orientation, religion etc.) I don't want to say I don't like, because that's kind of reverse discrimination, but I don't. If you are going to discriminate, you're kind of asking for it, sorry. I'm not here to be nice. I'm here to be honest.
7.) If I have to correct your Mean Girls, Back to the Future, Freaky Friday, Disney/Pixar, JennaMarbles etc. etc. etc. quotations... You are irritating me. If you can't quote it correctly, don't quote it.
8.) If you insult Kewwoh, I immediately refuse to like you. Ever. The End.
So in history today, we had a brief discussion on the musical rendition of Les Miserables that is coming out in December of 2012. Because I am one of the biggest Hugh Jackman/Les Mis fans of all time, I'm giving an expected review. Overall: This better blow my effing socks off. The 1998 non-musical rendition of Les Mis featuring Liam Neeson (who I'm not a huge fan of) as Jean Val Jean was pretty damn good for not having the amazing music written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. So this... I genuinely have Oscar award winning expectations for this movie. I kid you not. Many, (aside from the Avengers of course, but that's a totally different genre and Pitch Perfect which was just funny) many many many movies this year have been a total flop and disappointment to me this year. I have HIGH expectations, especially because of the cast, here is how I feel about them: Hugh Jackman -- Jean Val Jean: HOLY. SH**. I can't explain my excitement. Hugh Jackman is one of my favorite triple threats in not only the film industry, but also the theater industry. He can play anyone and prove his value as an actor in any role he is given... and shocker... when he acts, I see the CHARACTER, not Hugh Jackman (K.Stew, take notes!) He was not only the epitome of perfect wolverines in the X-men movies (as a comic book reader, he was perfect. No argument necessary) but he was also a freaking awesome Curly in the London stage production of "Oklahoma!" So yeah. Excellent choice film industry. Anne Hathaway - Fantine: HOLY. SH** PART 2: I am not the biggest Anne Fan. I'm really not. When she acts, I see HER, not her character. But after seeing her pure, raw, heart wrenching emotion, and LISTENING to possibly one of the most beautiful renditions of "I dreamed a dream" I can officially say that I am freaking excited as all get out to see her performance as the contrite, broken-hearted, ever-sacrficing Fantine. THAT BEING SAID: Anne, I have high expectations for you, I am not going to take it easy on you. You better bring tears to my tear-ductless eyes. Amanda Seyfried -- I think there is someone better out there to play Cosette. Yeah. I think she's over rated, The only part she's ever played that I thought was funny was Karen Smith in Mean Girls. But that's about it. I think she's okay, but in a movie THIS powerful, they needed someone a little less... "cute" and a little more... er... talented. Sorry Amanda, you're cute and I love you, but there's got to be someone better. I will however, have a WHOLE NEW level of respect for her if she kicks a** in her role as Cosette. Russel Crowe-- Javert: Russel Crowe. High high high high high expectations. Will destroy him if he blows this. Nuff' said. Samantha Barks - Eponine --> Yeah I actually have no idea who this is. All I have to say, is that she has big a** shoes to fill, and if she doesn't... I'm going to hunt her down and demand a refilm. Helena Bonham Carter as Madame Thenardier: YAY. I have no doubts she is going to nail this. Helena is fricking crazy face but this isn't a Tim Burton film (respect) so I think she's really going to branch out into awesomeness in this role. Helena, don't let me down and make me look like an idiot girl! And that beautiful little child Isabelle Allen, playing little Cosette: Better bring f***ing tears. She's freaking adorable in appearance. "Castle on a Cloud" better make me weep. Break a Leg little one! So yeah. That's how that is going down. I better be morbidly impressed or someone is going to get angry phone calls from me. Then I will go through the phone like the girl on the ring in a tv (terrible movie btdubs) and kill them and suck their souls. Then go in my well and cry. So yeah. Don't disappoint me Hollywood. Or sh**... will go the eff down. Stay Classy, GO SEE THIS EFFING MOVIE. J.Ellen
1. Fat Remarks: It is NOT okay to make sly remarks about people that are bigger than you. You don't know their body, you don't know them, so back off. If a big girl wants to eat a cheeseburger, then let her eat the f***ing cheeseburger NO ONE asked you, and it's not hurting you.
2. Gay Remarks: Again, not hurting you. So shush. No one cares and you look ignorant 99% of the time when you talk about it. I have yet to hear an intelligent anti-gay marriage argument.
3. Religion Remarks: Just, shut up. This old battle between religious/non-religious people is so unbelievably old and I just.. don't care. So don't talk to me about it unless you have something intelligent to say.
Stay Classy, and Be. Nice.
J.Ellen
FEAR: Haunted Houses. Never again. Almost peed my pants.
FEAR: Things getting in my eyes. Escalator tread, pieces of wood from wood flooring (probably the biggest one) bird feet, you name it.
NON-FEAR Huge and Small spiders. If they are tarantulas or babies I don't care
it's the medium sized ones that scare me
FEAR Losing my hearing/sight/smell/taste/touch etc etc
FEAR Heights
NON FEAR flying/falling with style... makes no sense I know.
And avengers sh** to brighten your day
Dumb thing a person once asked about the Avengers movie: "Why isn't Batman and Supergirl in this movie?"
Reasons this is a stupid question:
1.) Your grammar sucks. Aren't* You are referring to more than one person... Aren't*
2.) Batman is a DC comic, not a Marvel comic... idiot.
3.) There is no such significant thing as "Supergirl" Wonder Woman you noob.
I wanna be a high-fashion model,
so fricking bad,
be in pictures with things I'll never have..
Wanna be on the cover of Vogue magazine,
smiling next to Vera and Valentiiiiin-(o)
Here's the thing... I can't model because I'm too short. But that makes no sense. My height (5'4") is the EXACT median height for women... so I represent women as a whole, therefore I am a much better estimation as to what the clothing will look like. Just saying, they should let me be a model. Or at least... get coffee for models... or treat their blisters... sad I know. It's desperation what can I say?
Okay, so ever since I've been at BYU, people have just out of no where been saying the most RANDOM things about me and to me. Here are a couple examples that I thought you'd find amusing.
1: So I'm walking up the hellish, long, uphill ramp connecting my dorm complex to the main campus where classes are, minding my own short little obviously a freshman business, when some guy going the opposite direction says "whoa. you have really big ears." excuse me... what? Where did ... what the.. I don't .. even.. .whatever
Thank you Captain Obvious, do you want a prize? Yes, my ears are awfully large and stick out quite significantly, however... why would say that to a random stranger? XD haha, anywho. congrats to him on his observation skills, I happen to love my ears thank you very much.
2. "haha, her legs are really white." T_T No. Sh**. Sherlock. That's like walking up to a black person and being like "whoa, you're legs are really dark." Well no duh you moron, I'm really pale, blonde and blue eyed. My legs aren't going to look all snooki n' sh** okay?
<--felt about like this
2a. I go to a school where shorts have to go down to your f***ing knees. I am not about to wear 35 mom with 4 kids shorts at 18 thank you very much, so I wear skinny jeans almost everyday, my legs haven't gotten sun for like two months. Back off barbie. 2b. you caught me on the way to the all women's workout room. I'm not going to put on tanner sh** to go work out in a nasty sweaty room full of nasty sweaty women. No thank you. 2c. I was going to the gym, you were going to the cafeteria, you are not allowed to judge me
Anyway, I just those were funnay and exceedingly random
Stay Classy,
J.Ellen
This song is the most full of sh** song I've ever heard. It's basically one big fat "it's not me it's you" You a**hole. You're hands aren't tied, you're a pathetic loser who can't just break up with your girlfriend because you don't want to look like the bad guy so you tell her it's because she's too good for you. Full of sh** liar. I may or may not be slightly bitter on this subject ;) Whoopsies. Don't curr.
So I've drastically changed my eating habits. I used to just eat whatever the frick I wanted, and I started on the path of the dreaded freshman fifteen. My love handles got weirder and I was like meh. Do want to sleep. (hey hey by the way... curves are sexy... I just get them in ALL the wrong places.) and I was like what the... so yeah. It's only been three days but here are a couple tips and tricks I've picked up:
unhealthy foods: Tell yourself LATER not NEVER. You can eat it later. 7th day my friends, 7th day. If you can live through six days of vegetables and sadness, you can eat what you like on the 7th. If you say "never" you'll always fail.
second, don't say "I can't eat that" say, "I don't eat that" saying "can't" makes you feel like you're missing out; "don't" does make you sound pretentious, but you're tricking your brain into positive thinking. i.e. Vegetarians. Used to be one. Had to stop because I had an iron deficiency. But, I succeeded for a YEAR because it's not that I couldn't eat meat... but I DIDN'T eat meat.
The bet: I hate spending money, those of you who've read the rest of the blog know this, so I made a bet. Everytime I eat extra sweet treats, I have to pay my friend Rachel 5 dollars and eventually give up my favorite sweatpants (Uhm. NO. Not happening) So, more incentive to do this for a month!
Okay on to bigger and better things that don't make me want to binge on cookies and nutella:
Let's discuss one of my fave people in the world of acting: K.Stew. (Kristen Stewart if you're a dumba** and couldn't figure that out) I mentioned her briefly in my post about twilight (referred to as "pants" courtesy of theoatmeal.com. brilliant website by the way, visit it if you are not a boring, humorless prude... or prepare to be insulted if you are) But I just REALLY want to DIG INTO the deep world of magic of K.Stew.
First of all,what is this face. Is she capable of ANYTHING but this face? I think not:
I'm just pointing this out
I just don't understand a.) the attraction b.) how she got jobs ever. Snow White and the huntsmen... was just uncomfortable. I was like I can't even focus on what is going on right now because I'm distracted by Kristen Stewart in a BAD way. I'm just hurt and confused and troubled deeply by this idea that she CANNOT play anyone but herself. WHY do people like her if I have never believed a SINGLE role she has played. Feel free to comment and explain the attraction to K.Stew. Also, she cheated on Robert Pattinson. What. The. Eff. Is. Wrong. With. You? Oh that's right, you're the ever encompassing pants that anyone can put themselves into. Makes sense.
Some K.Stew memes that deeply touch my heart.. or my spleen... whatever:
It does NOT take that long to slip your little finger to the shift key to capitalize "I" and "I'm" ... we all get lazy but every. single. time? really?
It does NOT take that long to learn the difference between you're and your.
You're = you are --> You're an idiot.
Your = possession --> Your parents were idiots for not using a condom.
lmao ... lmao... LI-MAUUU! I just always want to say that out loud like a crazy person when I read that sh**. Heh.
There, their, and they're.
They're = They are --> They're saggy idiots
Their = possession --> Their parents were idiots for still not using a condom
There = a place --> There are free condoms over there, don't be an idiot, use one. Don't repeat your parents mistakes.
Happenings in life and such and such and pictures and gifs and good things:
How I feel about Exams:
How I feel about college:
How I feel about being an adult:
How I feel about having to shave my legs:
How I feel about filling out a FAFSA... Again
How I feel about LES MIS COMING OUT IN DECEMBER WITH HUGH JACKMAN
How I feel about people referring to me as "Beth's Roommate" (I love you Beth. This just needed to be on here.)
So yeah... that's pretty much my life at the moment.
Stay Classy, You're a human, and your life depends on it
(see what I did there? Sons of the Pharaoh and their sisters! They're the correct forms of your and you're! I did it again! And again... and again... and again...)
It's only for a month it's only for a month it's only for a month
SERIOUSLY. I WANT CAKE AND FRIES AND CAKE AND MINT BROWNIES AND MINT BROWNIES AND FRIES AND SH**. GUYS. we can do this. We can do this. One month. Just ooonnnne baaaabby little month.
Why is this so hard?
1.) I'm f***ing starving.
2.) Salad tastes like sh** after you eat after every meal
3.)Sweet treats/ all things delicious are so hard to resist
4.) GOSHDARNEFFINGMOTHERFATHERING BOYS.
I see these boys, muscled, lovely, tall thin atheltic...et effing cetera... and they are eating a cheeseburger with fries, a pasta dish smothered in cheese, effing pork chops with sauce and sh** a large overflowing salad covered in cheesy dressing deliciousness, ALL the desserts available, some crepes, soup, mini pizzas and chocolate milk. F*** YOU. That is why this is so darn hard. Because they have EVERYTHING I want to be eating on their plates and the cafeteria type place here. You pay one fee and eat whatever you want. I'm like mm. Dressingless, cheeseless, interesting toppingless salad.Yummo. FALSE. Why were girls screwed with this baby making sh** where we have to be fat in order to satisfy the needs of caveman God, yet supposed to be thin for society? What is that?! While guys don't have baby birthing pains and periods (WHOA I SAID THE P WORD... Penis. I SAID THE OTHER ONE. get over it.) and can eat whateveeer they want. I call BS on that and it is unfair.
Anyway, stay strong my friends! 1 day, 3 weeks 6 days. Remember, this will get easier becuase our bodies will stop craving the CRAP it's used to receiving! Then we will feel healthy and strong! Or... something like that... I think.
Stay Classy, and always be sarcastically tastefully offensive,
J.Ellen
I hate working out, I hate salad, I love all things delicious and wonderful. My abusive relationship is with cheeseburgers and pizza and cake and cookies and brownies (mint brownies... YUM) etc etc etc... oh and french fries. HOWEVER, I have the metabolism of a 55 year old balding man with a beer belly, so it's time to make some changes. It's HARD for me to stick to healthy eating and exercise habits... f*** you I like ice cream, don't judge me.
Urgh... so yeah, here's my one of my many buttspirations. What is a buttspiration? A butt that I want mine to look like, an inspiration for my butt. Yep. Whatever. Enough with the judgment, read the blog.
I am going to commit, just for one month to eat really healthy and exercise regularly. Long term goals don't work, mini goals do. Just one month. To keep myself motivated, I am going to post a before and after picture at the end of the month, whether or not I succeed. This will make me do SOMETHING so I don't embarrass myself at the end of the month. I encourage you to do it with me! Don't eat too much or too little, go for brisk walks four times a week, and have 1 cookie instead of 6. (yep this happens a lot) So yeah, sorry but I'm basically forcing you to be the motivation for me to work out, because if I promise to post photos on November 18 (four weeks from now), which I'm doing, I want to post results haha because right now... yeah whoops. My mid section is slowly expanding and I'm pretty sure my BMI has increased by like 3%... D*** YOU GENETICS AND YOUR SLOW METABOLISM... Trust me, if I can do this, so you can you! I hatttteeee exercising and I like sweets more than anyone I know, if I can do this just for a month, you can do it to. I refuse to someday be on the biggest loser... because, quite frankly, Jillian Michaels scares the sh** out of me.
As for the before and after photos, they will be posted on November 18, I made sure the "before" photos were super horrible phone in a bathroom mirror quality and I made sure to puff my tummy out as much as possible and look super sad ;) you know... like those acne commericals where they're like "HOLY SH**! LOOK AT UNICORN POO FACIAL SCRUB AND HOW WELL IT WORKED FOR MARYANNE, FORT MOODLES, WISCONSIN 24! RESULTS NOT F***ING TYPICAL.
and in the before picture, they look a little like the joker had offspring with hydra from Captain America, and in the after picture they look like Julianne Hough after a nice facial from the Haus of Gaga
yep. going for that effect for added humor.
For Comic Relief on the Matter:
HOW DIETS WORK WITH JENNA MARBLES
Amen Jenna, you've figured this out better than anyone could put into words. Jenna is my homegirl. I adore her. And she's hilarious. Her and I have the same effing sense of humor. Unfortunately, it's adding to my freshman fifteen because I sit on youtube and watch her sh**. Whatever, it's funny. She's also my buttspiration.
Starting at: 132 lbs and 24% BMI (whoopsies)
FIGHT THE FRESHMAN FIFTEEN WITH A VENGEANCE!
Stay Classy, Get fit,
J.Ellen
P.s. as extra motivation, I until November 18, I have to pay Rachel 5$ for every sweet treat I eat (with the exception of halloween... because then I can eat whatever I want) up to 20$ and then I have to pay her SIX $ for every sweet treat AND give her my favorite lazy time sweatpants. No way am I losing those!!! Or money for that matter... I like money.
So uhm. BYU took things a SMIDGE too far and placed these free bridal magazines. F***ing everywhere. EVERYWHERE. ALL the places. I'm thinking, okay okay... I get it. You want us to date other mormons. But I mean, there's a whole stack of them next to a freshman dorm... Sometimes when we're bored we find late night couples making out and either wish the sprinklers would hurry up and turn on or we give them bridal magazine just to be a pain in the a**. The guys always think it's funny, and the girls never do... huh.. topic for another post... anyway... So I'm relatively bitter about marriages. HOLY SH**?! A mormon at BYU who doesn't want to get MARRIED?! I know. I've also half-a** sworn repeatedly throughout this blog. Whatever. #rebellife #duckface #justkidding-I'd never say any of that and be serious.. ANYWAY: AHEM: So marriage to me is an ancient institution that has become a show of how nice your a** is and how much money you can spend. It seems silly to me that's all. So sue me.
Second first-world-problem being embraced here: Bad Photo editing. There are more than enough technologies that this should be unacceptable... I would have worsened this by using comic sans but it was not available on this sh** website. Note my use of stickers and lack of actually centering the photo... so much cleverness. *Again* my built in camera sucks: Not my fault*** So this is a shout out to all this photo editing crap that looks like a dora the explorer plastic backpack that was thrown up on by the wal-mart craft section... this needs to stop:
I'm a f***ing artist. My hand drawn fire and little jelly bean minion are my pride and glory for this photo. I also made a sad face to speak to your emotions. Is it working?
Stay Classy, and for pete's sake enough live laugh love snuggles n' sh**
So everyone who knows me well enough that'd I call them my friend knows that I have a slight obsession with The Avengers/Captain America. (Slight meaning, I'm pretty sure Kerri and I both saw it in theaters four times... whoopsies.) I'm pretty sure Chris Evans and I are soulmates and meant to be in love with each other forever in a polygamous relationship with my best friend and platonic soulmate, Kerri.
How I show people at college how I feel about being forever alone on a friday, watching these movies of beauty instead of being as social as I could be...
* dislaimer * I know the quality is sh**. That is because my webcam is sh**. First world problems. Deal with it.
HOW I ACTUALLY FEEL AND HOW MY BEAUTIFUL MAINE FRIENDS KNOW AND UNDERSTAND ME TO BE.
This should be a f***ing meme. Priceless. Love.
Stay... Classy.
J.Ellen.
P.S. DVD's lovely presents from Rachel from Maine/Ohio... Thanks Rachel!
I have the worst case of buyers regret/remorse. I hate spending money, I absolutely hate it. Every single time I buy something, I have to convince myself it was a good purchase, and then ask a friend if my purchase was a good one. (It's usually my dear friend Kerri who has to convince me that it's okay to buy things. I'm sorry my dearest friend.)
For example, I absolutely love the graphic novel, "Blankets" by Craig Thompson. It receive mixed reviews, but overall, I really really really enjoyed it. Growing up in a highly religious family, and trying to make my own way in this world, I was able to connect with Thompson, as well as other aspects of the book that made me break down in tears thinking about my own past experiences. And I don't cry at anything, not at the titanic, not at the fricking notebook, not when my grandma died etc etc. I didn't cry, at all. Yet, somehow, this book touched me in such a way that I almost had to stop reading because I was sobbing. Pathetic, I know. The only other time I cried this hard was when I found out my horse was going blind in one eye and I was sobbing backstage during my high school's production of "Kate" and I was "Kate" and everyone was telling me to STAHP because I was screwing my stage make-up... up.
Anyway, you get that I REALLY like this book, but it usually goes for about flipping 30$ for a paper back so I never bought it. Well I found it on Amazon for 10 and almost freaked out and bought it. Immediately afterward I felt awful for wasting money on this book and I'm still convincing myself it was a good idea.
So I've made some rules/justifications to help those with buyer's regret:
*If you will used it less than four times a year (once every three months) you don't need it. If you will, it was a good purchase.
*If it is a seasonal purchase you will use every single year at that season, it was an okay purchase
*If you will wear it at least 1-2 times a month it was a good purchase
*If it is a timeless decoration that you will use continuously it is a good purchase. If your object falls under these categories, it was NOT a good purchase: 70's, disco themed, twilight themed, Dawson's Creek themed, Kristen Stewart and non-parody themed, or contains anything with Michael Vick or Sarah Jessica Parker on it.
Everyone can be hypocritical at times. However, these are just some of my personal faves when it comes to hypocrisy
People who are against gay marriage, but watch lesbian porn, like watching girls make-out... etc etc etc
People who are against gay marriage, but are adamant that cultures with arranged marriages are immoral. So it's wrong to force people to get married and they should be able to marry for love if they choose, but when two people do fall in love they shouldn't be able to? What?! This literally makes no sense.
People who click likes all over facebook about anti-bullying and RIP so and so but don't stop their friends from being total jerks to other people at school and such
People who say Top Model is stupid and take 2985798754398574 pictures of themselves.*
*Never insult Tyra Banks in front of me.
People who cheat. Don't say "I luuuv you" and sleep around. False. Doucheberry.
Fit people who complain about fat, cellulite, etc in front of me. I want to live my life and eat my cheeseburgers. F*** you.
So girls have this thing where they just... can't be ugly. (wow... groundbreaking.) I get up and pick out these stupid little outfits and do my hair and make-up and sh** but what I'm talking about is picture taking. WHY do we always feel the need to stare at the camera with a fake-a** smile?! Necessary?! I think no. And if they take an "ugly" picture... it's like... wow, I'm glaring at the camera kind of sexually... how ugly T_T... I was thinking ugly more like this:
(insert choice adjectives) ex-boyfriend on the left right here. awesome kid from school here.
There. That's much better. (ain't I a beauty?) Yes. This is me. ^^^Did I untag this photo? F&$% NO. I don't look like this all the time, so why should I be ashamed that I can manipulate my face and not be like look at this totes awesome picture of me standing in the SAME POSITION I ALWAYS STAND IN BECAUSE IT MAKES MY A** LOOK BETTER. <-- totally do this. I have girls take "ugly" pictures and then REFUSE to keep them ANYWHERE in technological existence. I'm like, if everyone KNOWS you're not trying to be pretty, why try so darn hard? NO ONE CARES. Why do we feel the need to stand in an awkward line with fake smiles. Why? just... no.
I'm not going to bore you with my political perspectives because quite frankly my dear, you probably don't give a damn. But I do have a few things to say about the debate. If you're looking for a controversial political argument about Romney hugging and Obama snuggling... you're in the wrong place. This is more of a debate skills critique. A Previous Facebook Status: "Juliet was THIRTEEN. THIRTEEN years old... When I was thirteen, I was crossing my fingers that there were pizza nuggets for lunch..." -- JennaMarbles on Romeo and Juliet. Well said my friend. And on that fun note: The debate. First off, BOTH candidates need to check their facts before their mouth opens like an old band-aid on Girls Gone Wild. They both made wrong accusations and factual mistakes.
Secondly, if you go in thinking "Romney is a scum-sucking money hoarder" or "Obama is a tax vampire who feeds on the souls who made something of themselves in this country" You are literally getting NOTHING out of the debate. I'm not saying you shouldn't have an opinion, because that would be completely and utterly stupid. I'm saying that, regardless of who you think you're voting for, you should go into debates with an open mind and genuinely listen to each candidate. Otherwise, I don't want to hear any more about Romney's tax return, or Obama's birth certificate or Michelle's pencil skirts or how if Romney wins, we'll have sexiest VP in United States history. Okay? Okay.
I just wanted to elaborate on this and say that I was personally not impressed by either candidate at the debate. Obama... I don't even really know what you were trying to say because you were saying the ame thing repeatedly and whatever I don't even... No I just can't. Romney... Stahp. The interrupting is not only rude but distracting. Both of you: THERE ARE MORE THINGS TO THIS COUNTRY THAN TAXES. Yes, this is an issue, raising income over expenses IS important however, I DO NOT want to hear this stupid middle school girl middle class taxation argument. One sentence summary: Neither of you want to f*** with the middle class. the end. stop trying to blame each other for things neither of you are stupid enough to actually plan on doing... or at least I hope not... Oh dear.
Another debate critique: Enough with the personal propaganda stories! "I knew a woman... in Northern Wisconsin..." Excuse me? I don't care. Sorry random woman from N. Wisconsin. Everyone who's ever seen He's Just Not That Into You, or you know.. has A BRAIN knows that there are rules... and there are exceptions. How do we know if Mary Jane O'Connor Parzynockova III, a transvestite from St Louis, is a rule or an exception? (Rock on Mary Jane) Okay? so enough. I'm not trying to sound like a Utilitarian, but in this sense, you DO need to do the most good for the most amount of people. Your points may have been valid, but I'm too distracted by Bob Bellington Total Pants from Kansas and his smelting business to know what you're REALLY getting at... because you run out of effing time before you finish talking about how you're going to help the GREATEST AMOUNG of Bob Bellingtons in this country.
I'm me and I don't give a flying piece of sweet pork in space if anyone approves this message.
I can't start a blog about ranting and my odd sense of humor without addressing my totes fave subject... The Twilight Saga. (For those who don't know me, when I say "totes fave" I'm about as serious as Paris Hilton talking about politics.) First off, the title. What the .... Okay. Saga? really? Literature of this quality has not earned the grand title and esteem that comes with the word... "Saga" I don't about you but when I think Saga, I think brave heroics and mind boggling interesting so and so's... not pants. Pants? Why pants? Because of the oatmeal. That's why. (Wow, this chick is really not making any sense.) Let me explain. For those of you not acquainted with theoatmeal.com ... get acquainted. He refers to Bella Swan as pants because she literally is a pair of pants that any Teenage girl, bored housewife, lady with a beard etc. can stuff her love handles into. She's clumsy, she's awkward, yet this "perfect" vampire is madly in love with this random pair of pants with no refining or defining qualities. Fricking pants. Second: Bella is whiny lil' biiiiee****** etc.. (note my choice of font and highlighting colors here...ew)"Oh my gosh, I'm clumsy and I miss Pheonix -- whine and moan etc..." Look fille, I moved from Arizona to flipping Maine, and it was -40 degrees and -55 with the wind chill. Silence. No one cares. I can hear crickets singing in my brain already. You could've moved to Florida buuut you didn't. Because you are pants. New Moon: Okay. Any girl who says she has never been upset over a boy, is lying her lil tush off. However, most of us don't sit in a circulating room staring out the fricking window for months at a time. "Oh my gosh he left me, I'm so alone blah di blah di blah." False. What are you... why ...? No. If this were real life, he'd be banging a barmaid somewhere in New Mexico, okay? (Props to the barmaid... dang.) Get over it, there is a shirtless and beautiful man who will gladly take care of this problem. And I'm as much of an adrenaline junkie as the next guy, but seriously... just stop. Attention. Whore. All right, my personal favorite topic. Does anyone really not notice how F***ED UP AND NOT OKAY their relationship is?!?! Here's a story: Once upon a time there was an insecure teenage girl (wow... original) and a much older man. He would sneak into her room at night and stare at her while she slept. He then murders people in front of her. He then abandons her and goes to Italy and comes back as soon as she starts to move on with her life and continues to stalk her. He then gets her involved in his gang warfare and then proposes to her. She gets married fresh out of high school and get pregnant. He then proceeds to hate the fetus and later pulls it out of her with his teeth (DAFUQ?!) and kills her and turns her into a flesheating monster. THE END! Wasn't that romantic?! Why is she like okay, there's a strange boy in my room. I think I'll make out with him and trace my fingers over his perfect chest. FALSE. what what what are you doing? I'd be like excuse me, pepper spray and a shotgun. Yeeaaah... So that's that. You know, minus the lack of historical accuracy, historical interest, terrible plot driven nothingness, lack of character development, lack of adjectives other than "perfect" and "beautiful" etc. etc. you get the point. Oh and K.Stew. My totes fave... K.Stew. No really. She was even better in Snow White. T_T Taylor Lautner on the other hand... holy shiiiitake mushrooms. Break me off a piece of THAT sexy Kit Kat bar. Acting... not so much. Body... Yes please. Face... Robert Pattinson -- I actually like as an actor. Just not in twilight because uhm... well he looks like he has to urinate throughout the entire film. There is a difference between restraining the want to eat someone (also fricking creepy) and restraining an overly full bladder.
Okay so. On a daily basis, people here at Brigham Young University tell me that I should start a blog. Why? well because I'm the most sarcastic person on the planet I'm pretty sure and I like write rants about various happening's in my life... oops.. Enjoy the rants. I hope they're funny. If they're not I... really don't care.
