Things you can do with a boyfriend

As the queen of single and bitter, I came up with a rather humorous list of things you can do with a boyfriend (aka, why it's good I don't have one anymore... yeah)

1.) Sacrifice him to Satan and use his skull as a cereal bowl

2.) Hang him by his toes and tattoo kittens on his face

3.) Sell one of his kidneys (he only needs one) and buy yourself really nice expensive things with the profits (Like, cat towers and copious amounts of hamsters)

4.) Leave him in an abandoned building in a neighboring city with a backwards map and video tape him stealthily while he walks around in confusion. Give him a cell phone and prank call him wearing a Darth Vader voice changer.

5.) Castrate him so that he can't reproduce, you are not only helping the environment, but you are also doing the world a favor by not allowing him to create offspring with the lovely women he's probably sleeping with. (Including you? mmmi don't know, no judgment)

6.) Tie him to a chair using toothpicks to keep his eyes open and play Hannah Montana re-runs and Nickelback

7.) Dress him up as a woman and sell him as a mail order bride. Not only are you creating an awesome prank for someone in the world, but you're also getting rid of him and creating an awesome photo opportunity

8.) Make him sit while you undress IN the shower and shower WITHOUT him and have him pass you things... like Tampons! It'll be a great bonding experience and he'll get to learn all about females. Plus, he doesn't want to be naked in the shower with you. Ew. Nope.

9.) Strap him to the couch and have him face away from the TV while you play his video games for him and save all your games over his games. He'll love the challenge and the not being able to see. You can also smash all of his gaming consoles while he writhes in pain because he can't even see them to say good-bye.

10.) Take all his clothes and light them on fire. Then use his body to keep the fire burning.

11.) Hunger Games anyone? We all want to be the sexy, talented Katniss, so why not use your boyfriend as target practice? Let's face it... you're not a good archer, so you'll miss anyway and won't kill him ... minor bleeding never killed anyone...

12.) Want to know what's on his mind? Conduct an at home lobotomy!

13.) Sell his friends to the slave trade.

14.) Sell his personal items to the slave trade.

15.) Sell him to the slave trade.

16.) Do this because it looks fun:

17.) Dump him and buy some cats. This is going to happen anyway, so might as well beat him to the punch and get your life going on its natural course to crazy catdom.

Stay Crazy,

    J.Ellen