Some Fitness Updates and Of Course... Some funny additions

Okay so I'm making my 2013 New Years Resolutions early, so I can get a head start, why wait  until tomorrow to do what you can accomplish today? A big thing I want to focus on is not focusing on shedding pounds, but feeling healthy, being full of energy, and reflecting that on the outside. Also, my new goal is to run a half marathon. Yep. Being dumped on my ass made me stress eat and then I just hated myself even more. People who secretly hate themselves are the ones who eat garbage. YOUR BODY IS NOT A GARBAGE CAN. However, after my friend Rachel and I made a bet, I went one month without eating sweets with the exception of Halloween and I FELT awesome. So, if I can not eat sweets, you can to. I am an emotional eater, but I'm committed to changing my body and mind.

My New Years Resolutions:
Complete a half marathon (13.1 Miles, as of now, I can't even run one. So don't feel like I'm one of those crazy fitness girls who can already run like 8. I'm starting at the beginning, just like most of you)
Be able to do 50 Consecutive Push Ups
Be able to do a full split (Flexibility is important too!)
Stop Consistently Eating Junk Food (for at LEAST two months at a time)
Stop Making Excuses
Make Every Day Count -- Make an effort to do something every day to make that day worth living

I want to be able to do this for ME. Because I am worth it, even if some people have made me feel like I'm not. 

PUSH HARDER EVERY DAY!

Stay Classy, Let's Get Fit!
J.Ellen

P.S. Okay, serious part over, here are some mildly offensive and funny things:

you're welcome. Have a nice day.

WTF BYU/Mormon Pick Up Lines/Mormon Swears/Shiz Mormons say

Holy frick girl, you aren't worthy to take me to the temple (why?) because you're smokin'.

Frick
DAMAGE.
Shiz.
Darn.
Flipping
Fricking
Freaking
Witch

Hey girl, I just got off my mission, and I'm looking for a new companion ;)

Shoot. I forgot to bless my doughnut.
"Please bless this doughnut that it will nourish and strengthen my body"

Darnit
Dangit
Holy Crap
Holy Frick
Holy Shiz

Jimmmeeerrrrr

I had a revelation, we are supposed to get married (Well I had a revelation, and it wasn't you)

Should I talk to the bishop about that NCMO? (For those of you not at BYU, pronounced "Nick-Moe" and means Non-commital Make-out)

See here's the thing, this is sh** I've actually heard at BYU. Weirdest culture. EVER. Anyway, enjoy this awkward penguin as a mormon:

It's true. We're the only school well you always have to check someone's f**ing finger to see if someone's married before pursuing... most of the time... they are.

#Single at the college with the most engagements/marriage

SUCCESS.

Stay Classy, Staying bitter and single

J.Ellen

Rest In Peace Hostess

HAS IT BEEN A MONTH ALREADY?!

So, it was a sweet-less month, full of healthier eating and going to the gym 2-4 times a week. I don't look that much different, but I really do FEEL different. I have a lot more energy, my bum and hamstrings are WAY HARDER than they used to be, I lost 1/2 inch off my waste, and I JUST started getting calf lines! I LOVE SWEETS AND THINGS OF DELICIOUSNESS, more than anyone I've ever met. I like delicious things. I like cookies. I like cakes. I like brownies. I like fudge. But (with the exception of halloween haha) when I DON'T eat these things, I HONESTLY feel SO much better! I made a bet with Rachel that if I ate any sweet, I had to pay her five dollars per sweet up to 20$ and then I had to give her my favorite sweatpants, and then pay her $6 for every sweet after that. HUGE INCENTIVE TO NOT EAT SWEETS! Thanks Rachel! So anyway, I promised pictures of before and after not eating sweets for a month. It's nothing like JENNY CRAIG DRASTIC WEIGHT WATCHERS BUY THIS PRODUCT F*** YEAH, but I think there IS an improvement! While the bet is off, I am going to continue. I'm going to try to eat EVEN healthier and work even harder, and I'll post pictures right before I go back to Maine, let's try to do this together! I promise to eat less sweets than I did before (but I AM going to eat SOME now that I don't have to pay Rachel for them haha, but MODERATION is key! :) ) and work out more than I did before.

                 Stay Classy!
                         J.Ellen

THE BEFORES AND AFTERS: Yes, I'm a poochin' that lil' stomach out. mmmhmm. I'm also intentionally looking sad... Sad Yeni is Sad. BUT.... :D WEEEEE Another month! I am impressed with the changes, although not drastic and I'm going to try to continue for another month! WE CAN DO THIS! Please note: This skirt used to be SUPER tight, and it still is, but it bunches and has space all around, so while it is less bun-flattering than it was, it shows progress! WEE!

So here are the front shot comparisons:

And the sides: This is the one I was impressed with!

You know you go to a mormon school when your roommate has a Romney poster above her bed... whoopsies ;)

Things you can do with a boyfriend

As the queen of single and bitter, I came up with a rather humorous list of things you can do with a boyfriend (aka, why it's good I don't have one anymore... yeah)

1.) Sacrifice him to Satan and use his skull as a cereal bowl

2.) Hang him by his toes and tattoo kittens on his face

3.) Sell one of his kidneys (he only needs one) and buy yourself really nice expensive things with the profits (Like, cat towers and copious amounts of hamsters)

4.) Leave him in an abandoned building in a neighboring city with a backwards map and video tape him stealthily while he walks around in confusion. Give him a cell phone and prank call him wearing a Darth Vader voice changer.

5.) Castrate him so that he can't reproduce, you are not only helping the environment, but you are also doing the world a favor by not allowing him to create offspring with the lovely women he's probably sleeping with. (Including you? mmmi don't know, no judgment)

6.) Tie him to a chair using toothpicks to keep his eyes open and play Hannah Montana re-runs and Nickelback

7.) Dress him up as a woman and sell him as a mail order bride. Not only are you creating an awesome prank for someone in the world, but you're also getting rid of him and creating an awesome photo opportunity

8.) Make him sit while you undress IN the shower and shower WITHOUT him and have him pass you things... like Tampons! It'll be a great bonding experience and he'll get to learn all about females. Plus, he doesn't want to be naked in the shower with you. Ew. Nope.

9.) Strap him to the couch and have him face away from the TV while you play his video games for him and save all your games over his games. He'll love the challenge and the not being able to see. You can also smash all of his gaming consoles while he writhes in pain because he can't even see them to say good-bye.

10.) Take all his clothes and light them on fire. Then use his body to keep the fire burning.

11.) Hunger Games anyone? We all want to be the sexy, talented Katniss, so why not use your boyfriend as target practice? Let's face it... you're not a good archer, so you'll miss anyway and won't kill him ... minor bleeding never killed anyone...

12.) Want to know what's on his mind? Conduct an at home lobotomy!

13.) Sell his friends to the slave trade.

14.) Sell his personal items to the slave trade.

15.) Sell him to the slave trade.

16.) Do this because it looks fun:

17.) Dump him and buy some cats. This is going to happen anyway, so might as well beat him to the punch and get your life going on its natural course to crazy catdom.

Stay Crazy,

    J.Ellen

Holy Muffins Happiness

Things that bring me joy:

Morgan Spencer, your blog is fantastic. I just need it in my life. *This is how I feel about reading it.

(Where else would I be able to find a gif of Steve Carell riding a bear?)

*How I feel about eating carbohydrates (muffins, bread, cake, etc)

*How I feel about completing a checklist (yes, even one of them where I put extra things that are super easy to do so I can have to satisfaction of crossing something off)

Ultimate happiness: Chris Evans walking into my history class, sweeping me up in his arms, and taking me to his house. Where we do anything. Anything. just .... anything. We could watch the simpsons and drink horrible things and that'd be fine. We could play on giant trampolines and that'd be fine. He could let me sit there at him shirtless, that would be fine too. Anything. Literally, anything.

mmmmm... break me off a piece of THAT kit kat bar

Stay... so not classy

J.Ellen

"Last Friday Night" Parody

The sad life of a college student at a mormon school with no friends, enjoy.

There's a kitten in my bed, (I wish)
There are equations in my head
homework all over the room
Pink highlighters seal my doom
I smell like dorm room showers
Roommate's passed out for the last hour
All I want is barbeque
Hit a wall, got a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
Wasn't there
Oh well
I'm a shut-in child
But at least my skin is fair

...Damn.

Last Friday night
Yeah I danced in fuzzy socks
And took too many milk shots
Think I slept but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah I maxed my meal-plan card
Ran into a concrete bar
Made some cookies that were hard

Last Friday night
May have tasted some tree bark
Fantasized about Tony Stark
& Chris Evans; menage a trois?
Last Friday night
Failed a test on judicial law
Always say we're gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again!

So yeah.

Wee!

So yeah, I really haven't had the faintest idea of what to write about recently. So here's a list of things I'd rather do than my homework

blog, jump up and down for no reason, shave my legs (that says something), read about exercises I'll probably never do, plan menus I'll never use, go to the vending machine and stare at all the things I want to eat, look up random immigrants, look up random mythologies from various sources, hide my greek yogurts, reorganize my greek yogurts, eat my greek yogurts, sort my greek yogurts by flavor, eat an apple and simultaneously think about eating cake, draw pictures of Marilyn Monroe that look like drag queens, look up pictures of cats, memebase, silently judge people on facebook, and wish that I could be a boy for one day so I could pee my name into a bank of snow. Yep. That's about it :)

Also, ladies and gents but I don't actually know any gents that would read this blog, so ladies: We have ONE week left of exercising and eating healthy! We've got this! Ugh, then I have to post pictures. I dono'tr eally look any different, sorry, but I DO feel better because I'm filling my body with healthy foods instead of crap. Wee.

              Stay Classy,
                       J.Ellen

Funnies and The Beginnings of a Bucket List

Just because...

*Attend an Andre Rieu/Mirusia concert. Don't know who these people are? Shame on you. Youtube.

*Go streaking (should probably do this before I get old and wrinkly and saggy... although... then people will excuse it as me being crazy and old... decisions)

*Skydiving -- duh.

*Visit Egypt, France, Ireland, Italy, China, Kenya, South Africa, Peru, Guatemala, Alaska, New Orleans, India etc.

*Pee my name into a bank of snow... I guess I'd have to be a dude for that one... dammit.

* I'll come up with more later, for now, enjoy these cat pictures, which I got from this funny JennaMarbles video which explains how I feel about like... financial aid applications, college applications, transfer applications (stay tuned!) and other funny stuff like... shaving my armpits. Takes so long... lol sadface. (I never say LOL by the way, watch the video.)

Comic Sans

World's dumbest font. Sometimes my blog randomly changes to comic sans. Please not that it is not me doing this. It is a glitch
                      Stay Comic Sansless,
                                   J.Ellen

"Gay Marriage"

Okay so this is the third time I've mentioned this sensitive topic, but it's in the elections tomorrow from Maine where I'm from so I wanted to talk about it a bit once more.

1. Gay Marriage is kind of a stupid term. You don't say "I got interacially married last friday" uhm no.
2. Allowing LGBTQ peoples to marry DOES NOT EQUAL GETTING MARRIED TO ANIMALS. Dog = may have feelings, but does not rationalize and make decisions about life, love, marriage, and law. Okay? Human does not equal dog. Morons.
3. OH MY GOSH. IT DOESN'T AFFECT  YOU. "I don't want to see gays making out in front of me and my kids!" I personally don't want to see ANYONE making out. The end. Bitter and Single. Don't curr.
4. "It's not traditional!" and uhm. Selling your daughter for three goats is "traditional" that doesn't mean you should do it in today's society.
5. If you cannot tell a gay person TO THEIR FACE that they literally don't deserve any of the rights that you enjoy, than you don't really have anything to say.

I have yet to hear a mildly intelligent argument on the matter. Humor me.

Stay Classy, Fight rapists and murderders, not people truly in love,

J.Ellen

Oops.

I just bought myself a can of whipped cream for myself to eat on Nov. 18th when I can eat a sweet or two. I really just wanted to eat a whole can of whipped cream. And I will. yeah... whoops.

What Happened in my Life Today ... WTF.

Somethings that happened in my dorm all at the same

*The hammer dance simultaneous with the Space Jame song that I know all the words to and was singing
*My roommate running to the broom with her pants hanging off her a**
*800 crunches. F*** yeah.
*covering our faces with toothpaste because yeah. We have acne. F*** being a teenage girl. This sh** sucks. then blow drying our faces so toothpaste doesn't get on pillows and nastify the effing dorm room.
*stalking attractive males
* velociraptor walking/bird calls
*creepily chanting "I don't know..." over and over and over...
*Redeciding I was an ugly crier. You know those nasty little girls who look like THIS when they cry:

Yeah. Eff you.

This is what I look like (enjoying my make-up hair, and wardrobe choice? yeah. sexy muthu&$%^*$&) So yeah....

Beauty in its purest form.

So here's what I'm saying, I needed to act a little crazy this evening. And I did. And I liked it.

J.Ellen

Just a quick political shpeewww

Obama: stop attacking Romney because he won't show more than two years of his taxes, you refused to show your birth certificate. Romney, stop attacking Obama because he didn't show his birth certificate, you wouldn't show more than two years of taxes. The End.