Rant Number One: Twilight

I can't start a blog about ranting and my odd sense of humor without addressing my totes fave subject... The Twilight Saga. (For those who don't know me, when I say "totes fave" I'm about as serious as Paris Hilton talking about politics.)

First off, the title. What the .... Okay. Saga? really? Literature of this quality has not earned the grand title and esteem that comes with the word... "Saga" I don't about you but when I think Saga, I think brave heroics and mind boggling interesting so and so's... not pants.
Pants? Why pants? Because of the oatmeal. That's why. (Wow, this chick is really not making any sense.) Let me explain. For those of you not acquainted with theoatmeal.com ... get acquainted. He refers to Bella Swan as pants because she literally is a pair of pants that any Teenage girl, bored housewife, lady with a beard etc. can stuff her love handles into. She's clumsy, she's awkward, yet this "perfect" vampire is madly in love with this random pair of pants with no refining or defining qualities.  Fricking pants.

Second: Bella is whiny lil' biiiiee****** etc.. (note my choice of font and highlighting colors here...ew)"Oh my gosh, I'm clumsy and I miss Pheonix -- whine and moan etc..." Look fille, I moved from Arizona to flipping Maine, and it was -40 degrees and -55 with the wind chill. Silence. No one cares. I can hear crickets singing in my brain already. You could've moved to Florida buuut you didn't. Because you are pants. New Moon: Okay. Any girl who says she has never been upset over a boy, is lying her lil tush off. However, most of us don't sit in a circulating room staring out the fricking window for months at a time. "Oh my gosh he left me, I'm so alone blah di blah di blah." False. What are you... why ...? No. If this were real life, he'd be banging a barmaid somewhere in New Mexico, okay? (Props to the barmaid... dang.) Get over it, there is a shirtless and beautiful man who will gladly take care of this problem. And I'm as much of an adrenaline junkie as the next guy, but seriously... just stop. Attention. Whore.

All right, my personal favorite topic. Does anyone really not notice how F***ED UP AND NOT OKAY their relationship is?!?! Here's a story: Once upon a time there was an insecure teenage girl (wow... original) and a much older man. He would sneak into her room at night and stare at her while she slept. He then murders people in front of her. He then abandons her and goes to Italy and comes back as soon as she starts to move on with her life and continues to stalk her. He then gets her involved in his gang warfare and then proposes to her. She gets married fresh out of high school and get pregnant. He then proceeds to hate the fetus and later pulls it out of her with his teeth (DAFUQ?!) and kills her and turns her into a flesheating monster. THE END! Wasn't that romantic?!
Why is she like okay, there's a strange boy in my room. I think I'll make out with him and trace my fingers over his perfect chest. FALSE. what what what are you doing? I'd be like excuse me, pepper spray and a shotgun. Yeeaaah...

So that's that.
You know, minus the lack of historical accuracy, historical interest, terrible plot driven nothingness, lack of character development, lack of adjectives other than "perfect" and "beautiful" etc. etc. you get the point. Oh and K.Stew. My totes fave... K.Stew. No really. She was even better in Snow White. T_T

Taylor Lautner on the other hand... holy shiiiitake mushrooms. Break me off a piece of THAT sexy Kit Kat bar. Acting... not so much. Body... Yes please. Face...

Robert Pattinson -- I actually like as an actor. Just not in twilight because uhm... well he looks like he has to urinate throughout the entire film. There is a difference between restraining the want to eat someone (also fricking creepy) and restraining an overly full bladder.